we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
