woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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