im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
