I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
