I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
