my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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