bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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