I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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