***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
This is my gift to your gina
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
