I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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