They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
