she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
