My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
