I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
