Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
