now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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