The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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