I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
