When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
