I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
