I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
