just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.