why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
