sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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