The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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