You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
