i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
