I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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