I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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