On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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