I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
