i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
