My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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