I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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