you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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