Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
