fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
