if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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