dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
