WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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