I just threw up on my dentist
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How does one acquire holy water?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
