Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
