We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
