He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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