apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
being pregnant is like rehab
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
