my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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