On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
and she was petting her beer can
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
