see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
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I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
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All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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