I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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