Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
