why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
PANTIES FOUND
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