i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
