I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Can you bring me the toilet please
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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