this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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