booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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