Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize