Dude my mom stole all your condoms
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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