theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
