she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
