For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
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I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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