She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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